Letting go… with time
Pushing somebody to do something for their own benefit…that’s a good thing right? Very kind of the person who is pushing and so lucky for the person being pushed. /s
Pushing means to compel or urge somebody to do something they find hard. It involves putting pressure on that person, being more forceful than assertive, and sometimes even overbearing. It sounds so logical but in reality, it is preposterous. More often than not, the Pushee feels that the Pusher is crossing a line. “Do not force me”, “It’s none of your business”, “She is pushing me too much”, “He is such a pain”, “I know what I want”, “I’ll do it when I feel like it”...and so on. We would have heard many of these and we would have said many of these.
Back in 2017, my friends and I went on a day trip to the Wonderla Amusement Park in Bangalore. I have always been scared of elevated rides with tight turns and steep descents. The worst are the high-speed inverted rides. That day, though, I wanted to hop on some of the scary rides with my friends, but I did not. They wanted me to be part of the memory and they pushed me to it. But I got defensive, angry and told them “I know what I want, I’m not getting in”. In 2019, I went on a day trip to Wonderla Amusement Park in Cochin with another set of friends. My angst was pretty evident and they did not push me for any of the intense rides. So I stayed back on the sidelines, waiting. Nothing fun about that. And that’s when I ran into an old friend. She was also sitting on the sidelines, waiting for her friends to finish the rides. We dismissed our predicament and blamed it on fear - the kind you don’t have to be ashamed of - but we were reluctant to accept that we were missing out on something. She raised the question first - whether we should give it a shot. She said she’ll go if I go. What a dilemma! But I said yes then and I'd say yes again. I guess the courage came from having somebody to share and dismiss the fear with. I had so much fun that day that it left a lasting memory. Such a thrill! The harsh wind on my face, the fight against gravity, the speed that defied any I had ever known…there was a helplessness that was very stimulating. I just let go of everything and I just let go of that fear.
Today I am in a similar predicament - scared and waiting on the side, away from all the fun.
I want to drive so that I can go places without having to depend on others. A relative even offered to teach me but I always deferred. I am scared. I am being pushed a lot and I beat back with twice the force. All the defensive dialogues I formulate in my head as I gear up for retaliation have just brought more clarity on why I hate driving. It’s simple - “I don’t trust the Kerala roads or the people behind the wheels. This is a no-rule place and I can’t rely on the law. I’ll drive in a place where I feel safe.” Nobody counters that and I win, for that moment. But I want to learn, I want to drive. But I am scared, but for how long? So I better learn to drive. But…
And so we move on…going in circles with a lot of buts to circumnavigate.
If you want someone to do something that you believe is good for them, the act of pushing does not work. All you can do is give them all the information. Ultimately, they decide if they want to get over the difficulty, also when and how to. They might be whiling away the time waiting for inspiration (what happened at the amusement park). They might be looking for motivation while lacking discipline (what happened during my initial days in fitness). They might be creating defensive arguments on why they need not do it at all now (what is happening with my driving). They will always find a way to avoid that dread. But the universe will keep granting them several ways to get out of it and one day, they will grab onto one of those. That day, they will just let go of that dread.
